I’m still pregnant, have a wicked cold and I’ve pretty much given up all hope of my body having this baby naturally. Never again. That just keeps running through my brain over and over in a loop. I’m never doing this again. I can’t do it now, I’m not coping, I feel like I’m not really alive. If I ever talk about another kid, just smack me. Hard. Everything is perfectly alright with baby. We had an ultrasound yesterday and a non-stress test today and she’s 110% okay. She’s just not ready, or my body isn’t, who even knows? Well, I’ve been reading about it and apparently it’s an enzyme secreted from baby’s lung when they’re fully matured that releases into my system and sets off the chemicals in my body to start labour. So if that hasn’t happened yet, clearly baby isn’t ready.
We have an induction scheduled for Tuesday, but we’re not sure about it. I mean, holy crap am I ever ready to have her out, but if she’s not ready then it would be really selfish of me to force her wouldn’t it? If we induce we’ve given up all hope of an intervention free birth. I mean, I would try my hardest to go without the pain meds, but from what I’ve been reading and hearing, that’s practically impossible. We would be on a very short road that involves epidurals, extraction tools or c-sections. It would be really hard on me, potentially totally unnecessary (if we would just wait and she’d come out on her own) and the opposite of how how we wanted her to start life in this world.
But guys, I am in so much pain and discomfort. She’s getting bigger every day. Everything hurts, I can’t breathe, I get more hopeless by the day. I honestly don’t think she’ll come on her own. I don’t think I can count on my body to do this for me. I don’t wake up and think “Drat, I’m still pregnant”, instead I think “Yes! Only 3 more days until I’m not pregnant!” What is another 4 days? We would for sure induce at 14 days over (instead of the usual 10), so am I just prolonging my own agony? It’s another 4oz on my already gigantic baby. (I know she’s huge because my entire stomach is literally taken up by her. I can not bend. Period.) The ultrasound tech said she was measuring 8.5lbs yesterday, so add another half pound for another week in the womb, an estimated 9 pounds, plus or minus a pound. I guess we can just throw all those newborn clothes in the garbage since I’m never doing this again. (Joking of course, for the sake or dramatics. Not about the baby having, just about the clothes, she might fit in each outfit once if we change her 5 times a day.)
I don’t want to whine and complain. But I am. And I’m so sorry. I feel like a terrible person for it. I realize how dumb and inconsequential all of this is. She’ll be here when she is and she’ll be fine whether I take the drugs, have surgery or do it all natural. In the grande scheme of things none of this matters. Especially my discomfort now. But it’s extremely relevant at the moment. Why baby, why?? Why couldn’t you just come so none of these decisions have to be made? I was so excited to meet her, to kiss her cheeks and count her toes. Now the only thing I can focus on is it being over. The fact that she would be here is the byproduct of me not being pregnant. I feel like she must know that my love isn’t there. I have crazy mom-guilt already and I don’t even feel like a mom in my pinky finger.
I wonder if I was in my own home, in my own space how different I’d feel. Sure, I’d have the same pains and discomforts, and I’d be impatient to see her. But now I’m feeling the time pressure. Every one wants to meet her so badly. They could have been holding her for a week already! We’re supposed to leave in two weeks from today. My lady parts are going to be so sore. What if 6 days isn’t enough to figure out the breast feeding thing and I really need a lactation consultant? (There isn’t one where I’m going.) Is 6 days (including the days we are in the hospital) enough time to meet all the fantastic people we want her to meet? We want to share our little girl with every one, that was one of the only perks of not being able to deliver at home. Emotionally I’m a wreck already and I haven’t even seen my hormones dip drastically post pregnancy and then I’m supposed to leave? I’ve never cared for a newborn. Having our moms around to help us is such a blessing, but 6 days is no time at all to adjust to life before driving for three days. None of those things would be factors if we were having a baby where we lived.
It’s stupid. It sucks. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I wasn’t supposed to have to choose whether to induce. I was supposed to have time to recover, and time to show her off. She was supposed to fit in her newborn clothes! But I guess that’s the point right? We don’t get to control everything. The sooner we embrace that, the better.
I wanted to also thank every one who has reached out with kind words, encouragement and advice. I appreciate all of it. I also feel like a china plate everyone is trying hard not to break. Someone will recommend something that’s worked for them and the next person will tell me it’s a bad idea, or just won’t work. One person will argue induction is totally necessary at this point and another will leave me feeling like it’s a horrible idea. I just want to please everyone! I don’t want you to think I’m making a stupid decision. I’ve always cared too much what other people thought, and now I’m really under the microscope.
Now, everyone cross your fingers that this rant-y whine-y post will make baby come out on her own this weekend just to make me look totally stupid! That is still our best case scenario. And then you can all tell me that you knew everything would work out and I’d be totally fine. HAHAHAHA! Trust me, I already know! My moods are so up and down right now, I want to end this on a happy note, so you know I’m not totally miserable. I can’t wait to hold this baby!